All children have tantrums. It is a completely normal and expected part of childhood. It's not that your child is "intense" or that you are doing something wrong. Tantrums are part of emotional development, especially between 18 months and 5 years, when little ones are learning to recognize and express what they feel... and still don't know how to do it.
In those moments of emotional overwhelm, the child is not acting to manipulate or seek attention. They simply don't know what to do with so much emotion all at once. They feel frustrated, tired, annoyed, or all at the same time, and they express it however they can: crying, screaming, throwing themselves on the floor, or slamming doors.
And this is where you come in, with your patience tested and all your good will at the forefront.
So, what can we do when a tantrum strikes?
The first thing to remember is that you don't need to fix it. You just need to be present with it. Your child doesn't need a lecture at that moment. They need you to be there, to be their calm when they don't have it.
During a tantrum, the child's emotional brain (the most primitive and reactive part) is fully activated, while the rational part "shuts down." They don't reason, they don't listen, they don't understand. Therefore, yelling, threatening, or trying to convince them doesn't work.
5 keys to managing tantrums with respect and firmness:
1. Stay calm. Yes, we know it's not always easy. But your serenity is the best guide for your child. If you are at peace, even if you are exhausted inside, they will feel that they can feel safe again.
2. Validate their emotion. Even if you don't understand the reason, validate what they are feeling. Phrases like "I understand you're angry" or "I see that bothered you" help much more than "it's not a big deal" or "stop crying."
3. Don't try to reason in the middle of crying. Save explanations for later. In the middle of a tantrum, it's best to be present, without demanding that they calm down quickly or asking them to understand anything.
4. Accompany with your presence. There are children who want physical contact and others who prefer space. Both are fine. You can tell them: "I'm here when you need me" or "I'll hug you whenever you want." The important thing is that they know you are available.
5. Set limits with affection. Accompanying does not mean giving in. You can maintain the "no" while remaining respectful: "We're not going to buy that, honey. I understand that bothers you. I'm here." Being firm is not being harsh.
What if I make a mistake?
It's okay. Sometimes you'll lose your patience. Sometimes you'll yell. The important thing is to recognize it, apologize, and reconnect. That also teaches your child that we all make mistakes and we can all repair them.
Tantrums are not a phase to eliminate. They are an opportunity to teach your child that feeling bad is also a part of life, and that there are respectful ways to process what we feel.
So next time the storm comes, don't get overwhelmed. Breathe. Remember that your serene presence is worth more than a thousand words. And that you are doing very well.
